Rock of What?

Parental Advisory! This post not suitable for young readers.

It is with some embarrassment that I admit that I have occasionally watched Vh1's Rock of Love. It is horrible like a car wreck -- you cannot look away! It is a testament to feminist values. WA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! It is SO NOT!! It is women at their slutty, vapid best. So this season, which I honestly tried to avoid, feature lovely "ladies" vying for Brett Michael's attention on tour. So that's a little background. But, honestly you don't even need to know all that or any of the contestants to enjoy the following, which is the Television Without Pity recap of the most recent episode. It is hilarious!

It is written by Potes and is entitled

Bride of Skankenstein

It is long but worth it. Enjoy:

Previously on Rock of Love: Bus: Skanks! In all of their drunken, stripping, sloppy, stumbling, squabbling, choking, shotglass-in-the-vagina glory. This morning I totally said a silent prayer of thanks that this show is back on the air.

Bret's lovely ladies awaken and ready themselves for another cotton-mouthed day on the road. Farrah tells us how sad she is that Gia was eliminated. She describes Gia as a cool chick, and a member of the Blondetourage. Who served a shot out of her lady bits, as you may recall. Gia taught all of womanhood a very important lesson, which Farrah recounts for us: "Note to self: do not show your va-jay-jay in public." This has been one to grow on.

Farrah and Megan have a talk as they apply their pounds of makeup, wherein Farrah advises Megan to step it up and ensure that she gets some time with Bret. Megan doesn't want to hang all over Bret. Farrah says that she'd rather hang all over him than not talk to him at all. Farrah, who has her boobs on full display even during this casual makeup session, obviously knows of what she speaks and so I think Megan would be wise to take her advice. Farrah thinks that Megan should say, "Hey! I have an announcement. This is Megan!" And then point to herself. I maybe take back what I just said about Farrah being an Ann Landers-quality advice guru after all. It all falls apart when she gets to the specifics. Megan interviews that she's not going to go up to Bret and get half-naked, because she respects Bret. I'm not going to waste any more time on what she says because with this line of thinking she's obviously going to be eliminated.

Meanwhile, Marcia has made the executive decision to switch buses and get away from her archnemesis, Ashley. She makes it seem like this is all her idea and that the restraining order has nothing to do with it. On one of the buses, the girls find a postcard from Bret. It reads: "Good morning my faithful fifteen -- You're [SIC!!!!!] next stop on our tour is Indianapolis! It's time to see you rocking down the aisle! Write me your wedding vows and bring me a gift showing me exactly who you are. The only way to be by my side, is if I can see you as my bride." Kudos to the VH1 lackey who strove for authenticity by beginning this postcard with the improper use of "you're" and continuing with awkward phrasing and punctuation. It's just as if it had been penned by Mr. Michaels himself! Bret interviews that even though he's never made it down the aisle, marriage is never far from his mind. He assures us that the mock wedding we are about to see will be Bret Michaels-style, with little bags of fishnet-enclosed penicillin as party favors instead of mints. Brittaney interviews that she is psyched to share her wedding vows with the man she's going to be truly in love with for the rest of her life, and says she knows they can be a great team to inspire each other to fly on their beautiful wings of love. Up and above the clouds, the only way to fly. If karma exists, Bret Michaels' first wedding dance will be Clay Aiken doing Jeffrey Osborne.

En route to Indianapolis, the girls take pen to paper to write their vows. Marcia says she's not good at this, and Samantha tells her to just start writing shit down and, if all else fails, drink. However, Marcia announces that this is her day off. She's worried that Bret will think all she wants to do is get drunk and get in fights, so she's drying out and slowing down. Beverly, who is writing with a bright yellow pen she bullied off some poor third-grader, in a notebook that says "rock n' roll" on the cover and which will doubtlessly kept in her Trapper Keeper, is also having a hard time with this challenge. She says she'd much rather jump off something, or ride a bull, or wrestle a pig than pour her feelings out on a piece of paper. Hearty and emotionally retarded! I think she might be just the girl for Bret Michaels after all.

Meanwhile, there's fucking Constandina. She has something special she wants to give Bret as a gift. It's classy and artsy and different, she says -- in fact, it's probably different than anything Bret's ever seen. She's belly dancing in the aisles of the bus as she says this, her third eye all ablaze. And then, it's the greatest clip of the episode. As Marcia reads through her vows with Beverly, Constandina writhes in the background like a cat with a broken pelvis feebly attempting to convince the alley she's in heat. I mean, it's making me hot and I'm not even in the room. Hiyo!

The girls pull up to a church where Bret awaits them. One member of the Blondetourage thinks it's a school. And I mean, I never go to church, but at least when I see a big steepled building with a cross on it I have some flicker of recognition. Farrah tells the Lord that she's sorry she's a painted slut with her boobs all the way out, and asks for forgiveness. I bet the Lord is still totally cracking up about Constandina's dance and is in such a good mood that He'll give Farrah a pass. Bret tells the ladies that they all look smoking beautiful before noting that there are wedding dresses and accessories and all kinds of "wedding-ish stuff" in the chapel. The ladies should dress themselves in whatever way they think most befits them, and also bring him gifts. Like a dowry of silicone. Bret has an awesome date planned for the three girls who impress him the most, and those who don't impress him at all may go home. Kelsey tells us that she's from Utah, the land of Mormons and polygamists, so she's totally comfortable with a 15:1 bride-groom ratio.

While most of the ladies scramble to dress themselves in the black and pink lace-up see-through wedding finery (thanks, sponsor Vera Wang!), Beverly refuses to wear any of it. She says that if she marries Bret Michaels she's not going to walk down the aisle looking like a freaking hooker. This is why she won't be marrying Bret Michaels. For a second I thought maybe Bret would impress us all and appreciate Beverly's cool authenticity above all other slutty overtures. Then I saw Ashley's boobs and the black censor box over her crotch as she lay on the floor and I came back to reality.

Oh, and holy crow. Bret Michaels has his own special wedding tux muscle tee for the occasion, and a lesbian named Peggy Sue playing the Wedding March (poorly) on an electric guitar. Elegance! To think that eighth-grade me once dreamed of being in the position of these brides-to-be. Brittaney is first coming down the aisle in a relatively (considering the crowd) modest black and white ensemble. She thinks that being a singer-songwriter and having a way with words will give her an advantage in this competition. Do you think it will trump the disadvantage she has in being a total fucking loon? She tells Bret that she has laid her heart on the line and apologizes in advance for getting emotional. Just like she had to do when filming Party Bus Pussy Patrol 3. Seriously, just Google "Brittaney Starr filmography." Brittaney starts off kind of nicely, and then Bret looks down and notices that she has FIVE PAGES of vows written. Bret thinks that Brittaney is either madly in love with him or clinically insane. A little from column A, a lot from column B. Brittany tells Bret, as part of her vows, that she will be his umbrella (ella ella) in the rain, and that if there's ever a tear to fall from his perfect face, she will kiss it away until a tender smile blesses her. Is this bitch for real? Bret tells us in no uncertain terms that a tear is about to fall right now. It is a tear of boredom, and probably terror. The other girls fan themselves and reflect on how lame Brittaney is. One really does expect more from a star of Rocks that Ass 21: Asses Are Forever. [Side note: I didn't realize there were so many sequels in porn!]

Farrah, meanwhile, is confident that Bret will not be able to resist the way her boobs are hanging out and that she will win. Her theory of action is as good as any other, if you ask me. She reads her vows from beneath a fuzzy pimp hat: "Bret, if you marry me a smoking hot blonde is what you're going to see. We can party and have a great time and occasionally you can hit it from behind." Shakespeare tried in vain to come up with such an elegant couplet. Bret is impressed, even with the "occasionally" caveat. We then get a montage of Bret making out with some mildly impressive ladies who promise to be hot in the sack and, in Kelsey's case, have particularly athletic boobs. I didn't realize there was a talent portion of the wedding. Marcia promises to cook Bret rocking food and not ever wear panties. Bret's response? "Hiyooooo!" Constandina belly dances down the aisle like the crackhead that she is. She wants to enchant Bret like a snake charmer. Bret's response? "That is Taj Ma-HIYOOOOO!" Sometimes I can't help but love Bret a little. Samantha is boring and knows she's boring even when she looks like a slut. That's just sad. She tells us that she's in love with Bret and totally would marry him if he asked. Her vows include telling him that she's easy. It is a testament to how boring and unsexy she is that Bret just thinks it's awkward.

Then we have Beverly who walks down the aisle in jeans and a motocross shirt. Bret appreciates her awesome gear, but Ashley's delicate sensibilities are offended by the fact that Beverly doesn't look like a total slut. Yeah, what a jerk. Beverly takes off the motocross shirt and gives it to Bret along with a helmet. He's actually pretty impressed, despite the fact that he's also disappointed that her striptease doesn't have a part two. Bret tells us that Beverly might not be the sexiest-dressed girl there, but she has mad gift-giving skills. Then there's my idol, Natasha, who gives Bret a blow-up doll. Ashley thinks that the blow-up doll looks more like a woman than Natasha does, and that maybe Bret will get rid of Natasha and keep the doll. Ashley is at once horrifying and kind of awesome. Mindy -- who? -- gives Bret a plaster torso that she's made of herself. Natasha thinks that a Buffalo Bill-style skin suit is next, but the hotness outweighs the creepiness for Bret. Put the lotion in the basket, Bret.

Next is Melissa. When she gets to Bret, she pulls out a two-dollar bill. She says that when season two ended she made a wish on the two-dollar bill. Her wish came true, because she's standing there with Bret. First of all, the fuck? And second, you have a magic two dollar bill and THIS is your wish? Melissa interviews that the two-dollar bill has been in her family for many years. She wants to give it to Bret, so he can make a wish on it, too. Bret wishes that Melissa would stop being so pathetic. He doesn't know what's worse -- that the two-dollar bill is her family's heirloom, or that she's giving it to him. There's really no way to choose. And then freaking Megan gives Bret stuffed animals. I mean, I know she's an animal trainer, but, in the words of Bret, "You do know I'm a rock star, right?" Then there's Brittanya, who tells Bret that she wants him to be her man and her lover, too, and anything he asks she'll do. He stops her right there and rips off her white veil. Bret says, quite correctly, that Brittanya is smoking hot, and that's enough for him. For her gift, Brittany gives him a piercing and says when they're better friends he can put it back where it belongs. A heavenly beam hits Bret's face and the other girls realize they've been trumped. Except for Taya, who would hope that her counterparts have more class than to give Bret their vaginal piercings. Taya much more classily gives Bret two framed photos of her Penthouse centerfolds along with the lingerie she wore in her first major spread. Farrah is sick of Taya's Penthouse Pet holier-than-thou shtick, but Bret loves the gift.

The ladies all gather together with Bret as he declares the winners of the date with him. Brittaney thinks that Bret was touched by his vows and hopes he'll pick her. As comes as a surprise to no one else, he does not. Instead he picks Taya, Brittanya, and Farrah. Brittaney is hurt because she put so much time and effort into her vows. Well, that was her first mistake. Did she learn nothing on the set of Rectal Rooter 9? The ladies exit the church to find a big crowd cheering for them. To add a note of gravity to the occasion, there's a fat guy in flip flops and cut off denim shorts blowing bubbles. Awesome. Back on the bus, Brittaney starts bawling. She's broken hearted because she wanted to have some time with Bret. Ashley chimes in with a sympathetic, "Shut the fuck up." Brittaney cries and asks if she wasn't good enough. Ashley tells her that Bret obviously didn't like her vows, and so he didn't pick her for a date. That is some kind of awesome tough love. Natasha tells Brittaney to stop it, and Ashley tells her to pull the little curtain over her bus bed.

The tour buses pull into a hotel. Brittaney is feeling totally hurt and disrespected by girls she thought were her friends. But who cares about feelings, because the girls are at Fantasy Suites, where there are rooms with alien themes, and Cadillac themes, and Venetian holiday themes and more! I'm always kind of intrigued by those hotels, but then the Dateline blacklight episode comes flooding back to me with a vengeance and I realize the true bacterial danger lurking within.

Big John gathers the girls for a reception to be held outside. There's a cake and Bret and lots of alcohol and plastic forks. The elegance continues! And then it's time for dancing. Lap dancing. Marcia falls all over Bret, because apparently her day of drying out is over. Melissa is sober and refuses to dance for Bret, but Kelsey shows off some unexpected skills. Maria reminds us that she's a retired model and refuses to get up and fall on her ass and show off her lack of coordination. Brittaney, meanwhile, is sitting alone at a table and is appalled at the fact that Bret obviously has some favorites among the crowd. She thinks he's biased and decides to step things up a notch and show a) that she has a good soul; b) that she's acrobatic and a lot of fun to be with. So Brittaney heads inside, puts on her postage-sized bikini and some bronzer, and then heads back outside to ill-advisedly show her stuff. Ashley, increasingly a comic genius, interviews that she didn't even know they made bikinis in size "fat fuck." Brittaney gets on all fours and crawls toward Bret, then sticks her head between his legs and does a headstand. It might be vaguely sexy if it weren't entirely terrifying. The other girls are cracking up. Because they're jealous of Brittaney's moves. According to Brittaney.

The party moves inside, where it's time for some serious business. The ladies are going to play "Are You Smarter Than a Rock Star" for three VIP passes, which will allow them to steal some one-on-one time with Bret at any time, even if he's with another woman. Maria, because she has a brain cell left, thinks she might stand a shot. Big John reads the first question -- how many months have 28 days? Some girls scream out "one," while others look puzzled. The answer is "all of them." No one, including Bret, gets it right. That's a trick question, and this is a stupid game. The next question: Bret has 16 girls on a bus. If three of them pass out, how many ménage a trois can he have in one night? And wait...what's the plural of ménage a trois? Menage a troises? Menages a trois? Bret probably knows. He certainly knows the answer to this question, which is six and a half. The questions are dumb, and the scene is pandemonium. Brittanya interviews that she doesn't think anyone was answering the questions right, but she really doesn't know because she's not that smart. I love how "I'm not that smart" is totally Brittanya's disclaimer. She says it in, like, every other interview. Taya racks up a few points, and Brittaney gets yet more unfair treatment as none of the correct answers that she shouts out are recognized. According to her. Brittanya takes a different strategy and just starts making out with Bret. Who's the smart one now?

In the end, Bret decides to give the passes to three hot girls that he wants to talk to -- Brittanya, Taya, and Natasha. Brittaney, who has continuous psycho music playing faintly behind her whenever she talks, is pissed that Natasha got a pass. As Bret makes out with just about everyone in the room, Brittaney gets more and more crackheaded and upset, because that's how she rolls. Natasha, meanwhile, is excited and ready to do some damage with her pass.

Back in the hotel suites, several girls talk about what a crackhead Brittaney is, and Ashley says that she just turned 59. Ashley = secret greatest! It's such a revelation. Just as Natasha is saying that Brittaney needs to understand not to fuck with her, Brittaney comes in to fuck with her. Ironically, she tells Natasha not to fuck with her and also calls her "baby girl." Hmm. Natasha bounces around in her cute nightgown singing a song called, "He loves me, he loves you not." Brittaney then tells Natasha that she got nothing right, and only got the $^%$#@! thing because she's black. That is totally not cool, yet also completely true. Brittanya slowly backs out of the room. Natasha quite mysteriously comes back with, "You tan to get closer to my complexion, bitch." It's not so much what she says as the volume and accompanying finger pointing with which it's being said. Even though it seems as if Natasha might kill Brittaney, Brittaney does not stop, saying that Natasha is only there because of the race card. I don't think I need to point out to you the irony in the fact that this accusation is coming from the star of Bang My Tight White Ass and Black Cravings 7. Natasha holds up her VIP Pass as the last word. But it is not the last word. The last word would belong to Brittaney who says, "My grandfather's black." I wonder what Barack Obama thinks about all this.

Brittaney then starts crying and says she wants to go home. She is shocked that anyone would think she's racist, and again says that her grandfather was a beautiful black man. In an interview, Brittany cries and says that she feels awful because everyone is picking on her. As we focus in on the alien-themed room we hear Brittaney sobbing and saying, "I wanna go home. My mom loves me, and my family loves me, and wowehsooooooo. I wanna go home!" Notice she doesn't mention her black grandfather loving her. Maybe her black grandfather is Sammy Davis Jr. It would make as much sense as anything else about Brittaney.

But enough with the squabbling. It's time for Taya, Brittanya, and Farrah to have their date with Bret. The girls ride out to the country, and Farrah wonders where the French they are. Farrah interviews that she's not an outdoorsy sort of girl, as we might be able to tell, and is scared of snakes and spiders and creepy crawly bugs that can get on her. She is facing her fears hard core by allowing Bret Michaels to get close to her. The girls end up at a farm with a pumpkin patch and horses. Bret greets them with a plaintive, "Ah, my future ex-wives." They are in Greenfield, Indiana, and are about to go on a hayride. At one point Bret's wig blends in with the hay like some sort of super-stealth camouflage. The hayride is bumpy and not that exciting, so the four settle in for lunch. And then, Taya starts cutting the corn off of Bret's cob. That is not a euphemism. What the French, indeed?

The other girls are sick of all the attention that Taya is getting, and so Brittanya busts out her VIP pass. Taya thinks it's stupid to waste it when you're already sitting next to Bret, but Brittanya makes the most of her time. She lies to Bret that he's the hottest guy she's ever seen, and he acknowledges that he wants to have hot sex with her. And he wants to have a conversation with her, too. But mostly the hot sex. Meanwhile, Farrah and Taya are sick of sitting alone on a bench in the sun with their boobs sweating. They go back and interrupt Brittanya and Bret's one on one time. Brittanya conjectures that they're jealous, and she's probably right. Bret says that he's going to have Big John pack up some of the food to go, and the date is over.

Back at the hotel, the rest of the girls decide to have some shots to ease their pain at not being selected for the date. As it turns out, former archenemies Ashley and Marcia have bonded over their love of tequila and are now BFFs. They wear matching sunglasses and have matching earrings and drunkenly love each other. I can't wait for the moment when this happy ending turns to disaster again.

And then it's time for some of the girls to get a little time with Bret on his tour bus. Melissa doesn't think that the girls who won the date deserved it, and she's ready to tell Bret how she feels. She sits her haggard face on his couch and says that he should send her home. He asks why, and she says that there are so many girls who want to do him. If she's going to be with him, it's him and her and that's it. Bret says that Melissa is sending him some strange mixed signals. First she wants to go home, then she wants to stay, then she wants to go home, then she wants to stay. Mostly, I think she wants attention. And she gets it by sucking the lips off of Bret's face. He's digging it.

Marcia then goes on the bus in her bikini and black wedding veil. Bret knows that Marcia is Brazilian and likes to drink, but doesn't know much else about her. He notes that she gets feisty, and perhaps angry, when she drinks. Marcia says she's brutally honest, and will tell somebody if she feels mistreated. Bret suggests that she forego the "brutal" part. Marcia interviews that she's a sweet Brazilian bombshell. She kisses Bret and he's feeling it, but he notes that every day with her is like Carnivale. He hopes that they can get past the party long enough to get to know each other. He adds that if he got pulled over after sucking face with Marcia he'd fail the breathalyzer test. And also the "you totally kissed a girl with vomit-mouth, stud" test. After she leaves he has a curiously strong mint, hopefully with anti-bacterial properties.

And then Bret gets some time with Constandina. He notes that she's a very passionate, sexual person. She agrees, and says that she thinks about sex 24 hours a day. Maybe it's the third eye? Oh, but then. Constandina tells Bret that she took a religious vow that she wouldn't have "all the way" sex for three years. Well no wonder she thinks about sex all the damn time! She interviews that she respects her body, and believes that the human body is a beautiful and sacred thing. Having seen Brittaney's body, I must respectfully disagree. Bret wonders where in the three-year vow period she is. He interviews that he's hot for Constandina, but not having "all the way" sex with her could be a dealbreaker.

Oh, and then there's Brittaney. She's upset and is going to tell Bret how she feels. She talks to him about how she was so unfairly attacked the night before for no reason. The ghost of Brittaney's black grandfather then totally plays a flashback of Brittaney telling Natasha she got the pass because she's black. Bret tells Brittaney that he doesn't want to cut her off, but he has to get ready for elimination. Meanwhile, he totally wants to cut her off.

It's elimination time! Megan interviews that she's nervous, because she thinks she's maybe too normal to be there. On the other end of the "too normal to be there" spectrum is Constandina, who feels good about the few moments she spent alone with Bret. She thinks that there are sparks that, if fed, could turn into a blazing fire. But not a blazing fire of "all the way" sex. Maybe Constandina should audition for whatever show has the winner being boyfriend-girlfriend with a Jonas brother. Marcia simply says that she's too much fun to leave and ends her interview with an enthusiastic, "Tequila!" At least she's consistent.

The girls line up to learn whose tour is going to end right here, right now. The first girl that Bret calls is Brittanya. He's so hot for her. She's not surprised, because she's hot, real, and a sweetheart. Taya is next to be called. She thinks that even though she got her pass second, Bret was feeling her more than anyone else. Natasha is called next, which burns Brittaney's one-quarter black butt. Next called are Farrah, Ashley, Kelsey, Beverly, Mindy, and Maria. There are six girls left, and three passes. How many ménage(s) a trois(es) can Bret have now? He calls down the three troublemakers -- Marcia, Melissa and Brittaney. I think that's one troublemaker and two crackheads. Brittaney interviews, weeping, that it's really important for her to stay because she really felt a connection with Bret. She says that her life's changed, she's matured a lot, she's not that wild and crazy naked person anymore, and she wants a family. Brittaney is wearing the Designer Imposters "Stank de la Desperacion" fragrance. And boy does it waft. Bret tells Brittaney that a lot of people dislike her, and she causes a lot of problems. Melissa is hot and cold and jealous of Bret talking to other girls. And Marcia has been in an altercation with everyone on the show. However, Bret has a connection with each of these ladies, and/or they are endlessly amusing to the home viewing audience, so they get to stay. What can Bret say, he likes trouble.

This of course means that Constandina, Megan and Samantha go home. Constandina interviews that she's disappointed, because she thought this was Rock of Love and not Rock of Fucking. I guess they don't get VH1 at the foothills of the Appalachian mountains. Samantha even gives a boring exit interview. Meanwhile, Brittaney interviews how happy she is that Bret can see through all the catty fakeness that surrounds her. Her staying is a big fuck you to the rest of them, she says. And a big belated Christmas present for us. If Gentlemen Prefer Anal didn't break her spirit, nothing can!

Next week: Illinois! And hockey with Lacey. And implant popping. And Bret totally tells someone to get the fuck out at elimination!

Potes should get hazard pay for this. Sympathize at potesypotes@gmail.com.

I believe that this show is why the rest of the world hates America. Don't ya think?